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Voix des jeunes femmes

Luxembourg

To my rapist

October 26, 2017

Fuck you.

Fuck you for the days I spent crying.

Fuck you for the days I spent planning my suicide.

Fuck you for the disgust I felt for myself.

Fuck you for the panic I had when a man stood less than three meters away from me.

Fuck you for the unease I had, even with my own father, only because he’s a man.

Fuck you for my anxiety.

Fuck you for my panic attacks that hit me when I least expect it.

Fuck you for the disgust I have in sex.

Fuck you for the worries I have, whenever I wear something I feel sexy in, because I think it might make a man want to rape me.

Fuck you for the terror I have of going out of the house, because I’m afraid I might meet you.

Fuck you for the inability of being naked without thinking what you’ve done to me.

Fuck you for the nights I still lay awake crying.

Fuck you for every morning I wake up, thinking that today will be better, but it isn’t.

Fuck you for every day I spend at home because I can’t build up the motivation to get dressed or even shower.

Fuck you for the frustration I feel because talking to my psychologist doesn’t make everything better.

Fuck you for the dread I await the court date with.

Fuck you for ruining my self-confidence.

Fuck you for making my parents cry.

Fuck you for doing this to me 1 month before my exams.

Fuck you for being the reason I failed my exams.

Fuck you for the anxiousness I still feel around boys.
Fuck you for the inability I have to laugh at sexual jokes.

Fuck you for being my every second thought every day.
Fuck you for the sense of panic I feel every time I smell your perfume anywhere.

Fuck you for the anger I feel, because my life isn’t the same anymore.

Fuck you for the endless meds I had to take, to make sure I didn’t have HIV.

Fuck you for holding me back and kissing me before you let me run.

Fuck you for shushing me when I started crying.

Fuck you for not stopping when I clearly said no.

Fuck you for scarring me for life.

 

#MeToo

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